kerrycallan.

suicide; a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

so, tomorrow is david's birthday. yes, the david that is mentioned earlier in my blog. &it's just been making me think a lot about how he died...

he killed himself, took his own life.

you know, i once had a note from him, that he wrote to me before he died, he said in there,

"i hope you can forgive me."

&at the time, reading that, i thought,

"how could he ever think that i would hold that against him?"

&i didn't...

but, it's not just his life he took. he shattered the lives of so many others...

&i hate it, but i'm getting angry about it...

she doesn't deserve that.

i don't, his family didn't, no one did.

this is a pain i can't even explain to you, and you couldn't imagine it unless you've gone through it. but it tears you up.

so many thoughts...

"is it my fault? is there anything more i could have done? why didn't i see it coming?"

&you know... it took a long time for me to realize it's not my fault.

honestly, i tried my hardest, every single day...

a lot of people did, &you know, i bet a lot of them blamed themselves as well.

it's not your fault.

sometimes no matter what you would have done differently, said differently, anything,

sometimes things just go wrong.

it was his decision, his choice,

not mine or anyone else's.

david...

i can forgive you, but it might take a while.

i truly do hope, with ever fiber of my being, that you are happy now. somewhere safe & better.

but, you left a lot of shattered pieces behind.

i'm still picking mine up... it's hard to keep them together & help others collect theirs as well.

she loves you.

you gave up...

&i'm gonna be honest, that's exactly what it is, giving up.

there is always another choice.

suicide is selfish.

i see now why in dante's inferno people who commit it go to hell.

i didn't understand it a few days ago...

but hearing her scream & cry every night made me realize why.

no one deserves it.

if you're feeling like you don't want to live, talk to someone.

i know that's probably the last thing you want to do, but before you think about ending your life, think of everyone else in your life.

everyone who loves you.

family, friends, pets, everyone. it affects everyone.

there are so many other choices, so many ways to get help.

please don't choose suicide.

♥

happy birthday david; in four minutes you would have been 17. you had such a bright light, &it's horrible that it had to go out so early. i love you & i miss you. rest in peace 'baby' brother. ♥