i've been so bipolar lately.

i can't stand it, up & down all the time.

&you're right, i'm not myself. because who i am wouldn't deal with it.

... so why am i?

-i know you're lying to me, i just can't call you out on it.

why are you so different from everyone else?

it angers me.

-i can't stand not knowing if you're okay.

i feel my mind slipping out of my grasp. it's so scary.

i've completely given myself up. i don't control anything anymore.

i can only react.

happy mother's day;

hey mom, thanks for not being here for the past 11 years of my life,

really means a lot. ♥

i can't help but to wonder if you care, if you think about us, if you regret it.

i want to think that you do, but everything tells me you don't.

so... why do i care so much?

so, i'm starting a new project.

it involves people & how i really feel about them.

where we are, where we've been, where we're going.

&i might just have to post a few here,

just for the hell of it.

just an update. ♥

before you sit there & blame the fact that we're not working on me, think about why i might not trust you.

it's just fucking creepy & slightly pathetic.

no one pities you anymore, you're the only one holding on, get over it.

really, it's past getting old.

♥

sooo, uhhh,

I'M STOKED ON LIFE RIGHT NOW.

warm weather

+

spring break

+

AMAZING boyfriend &hearts

+

great friends

+

good grades

+

working out

+

optimism

+

22 days till my 16th birthday

=

happy kerry. :)

i've been in the most amazing mood lately.

i hope you're all doing well. ♥

just thought i'd share that.

"love is nothing more than a chemical reaction in the brain."

reaction;

1 : a response to some treatment, situation, or stimulus.

2 : bodily response to or activity aroused by a stimulus.

my question is; why then, even after we are no longer being exposed to the person causing this reaction, do we remain in love with them?

1 year later, 2 years later, 3 years later... however long later & that person still crosses your mind every day. you'd still die for them, you still love them.

yet, you're no longer being exposed to what would cause the reaction. so, science would say that the reaction would cease, am i right?

&&another question; why then do we not experience this reaction with everyone we have an interest in? why do some relationships leave you tumbling down the rabbit hole, falling deeper and deeper into love; while others simply stay on the surface, simply liking the person?

some claim the reaction is fueled by the simple things; holding hands, hugging, kissing, &eventually sex. well, explain why the reaction doesn't happen with one person who you do all of the above with, but it does with another?

i personally believe that love lasts forever.

if you love someone, you always will.

so, i don't believe it's simply a chemical reaction in the brain, but much more.

what do you think?

suicide; a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

so, tomorrow is david's birthday. yes, the david that is mentioned earlier in my blog. &it's just been making me think a lot about how he died...

he killed himself, took his own life.

you know, i once had a note from him, that he wrote to me before he died, he said in there,

"i hope you can forgive me."

&at the time, reading that, i thought,

"how could he ever think that i would hold that against him?"

&i didn't...

but, it's not just his life he took. he shattered the lives of so many others...

&i hate it, but i'm getting angry about it...

she doesn't deserve that.

i don't, his family didn't, no one did.

this is a pain i can't even explain to you, and you couldn't imagine it unless you've gone through it. but it tears you up.

so many thoughts...

"is it my fault? is there anything more i could have done? why didn't i see it coming?"

&you know... it took a long time for me to realize it's not my fault.

honestly, i tried my hardest, every single day...

a lot of people did, &you know, i bet a lot of them blamed themselves as well.

it's not your fault.

sometimes no matter what you would have done differently, said differently, anything,

sometimes things just go wrong.

it was his decision, his choice,

not mine or anyone else's.

david...

i can forgive you, but it might take a while.

i truly do hope, with ever fiber of my being, that you are happy now. somewhere safe & better.

but, you left a lot of shattered pieces behind.

i'm still picking mine up... it's hard to keep them together & help others collect theirs as well.

she loves you.

you gave up...

&i'm gonna be honest, that's exactly what it is, giving up.

there is always another choice.

suicide is selfish.

i see now why in dante's inferno people who commit it go to hell.

i didn't understand it a few days ago...

but hearing her scream & cry every night made me realize why.

no one deserves it.

if you're feeling like you don't want to live, talk to someone.

i know that's probably the last thing you want to do, but before you think about ending your life, think of everyone else in your life.

everyone who loves you.

family, friends, pets, everyone. it affects everyone.

there are so many other choices, so many ways to get help.

please don't choose suicide.

♥

happy birthday david; in four minutes you would have been 17. you had such a bright light, &it's horrible that it had to go out so early. i love you & i miss you. rest in peace 'baby' brother. ♥

God;

is in the smile of a baby,

is in the sunshine on a summer day,

is in the spark of the eye of a person in love,

is the the waves of the roaring ocean,

is in the bond between you and your best friend,

is in the hope you carry,

God is in love.

he's all around you.

i don't believe he can only be found on a sunday in church,

in a book that we label holy,

or in priests & preachers.

he's always with you,

you just need to open your eyes to him.

♥

"one little happy, proud family."

james, michele, kerry; july 1994.

so uh, yeah....

what happened again?

yeah.

that's what i thought...

the scariest thing i have ever experienced;

is being vulnerable to someone else, as i am right now. it's insane how much we open ourselves to others. let them control us in a way. a few words from him could shatter my world, &a few different words can make my heart skip a beat. it's so weird. i love it, but at the same time i'm so scared. things are changing, the way i look at things is changing, the walls are being torn down, &i'm becoming less and less defended every single day. it scares me more than anything else in the world, i can't even explain to you. so, why am i doing it? he's so worth it, so amazing, i love everything about him. that's why. because even if in the end i do end up shattered, it's worth it. my biggest fear is being vulnerable, in any way at all. i'm kind of losing my vision, as in i need glasses, and even though it's not that bad, it scares me so much. i don't like the thought of relying on someone else so much, but that's where trust comes in, right? i do trust him, i'd trust him with my life. &i can't say that for many people anymore, not even most members of my family. i told myself i wasn't gonna do this anymore, no more relationships. but, he just took over. he's always on my mind, no matter what. he gives me butterflies & makes me smile everyday. it's so early, but it's insane how deep these feelings run. i'm falling my friend, falling fast.

♥

i have faith in this.

sometimes you just need to let go.

you need to learn that.

it's over,

deal with it.

“if i were asked to give what i consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'i will be bigger than you. you cannot defeat me.'”

♥

everyone just needs to stop for a second.

take a deep breath.

EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

♥

Samuel Haye Coynes.

oh my god... i miss you. you flash through my mind everyday, i miss you so much. i love you, always know that. &though i know you're happier now, at least i hope, it still kills me that you're not here. one day, i'll see you again. best friends for forever, and that's something i can stick to. i miss everything we all use to do together, and how happy we were when we were young, rest in peace dear, you deserve it.

6/15/93-5/7/08.